


The First Love the Lynx Lost

by Animequeen09



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Emotional Hurt, F/M, Hurt, Pain, Protective Ash Lynx
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:14:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27439414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Animequeen09/pseuds/Animequeen09
Summary: "They murdered her because they thought she was my girlfriend"Ash didn't understand why he couldn't bring himself to ignore the golden haired girl. Maybe if he had just walked by her, she'd still be breathing. If only he had just kept walking.Jade met sapphire and no one could deny such an intense love... but broken should never love broken.This story explores Ash's time before Eiji, explaining Ash's first love, their journey together, and how she was murdered. I do realize that the manga states Ash was 14 when this occurred, but for my story's purpose, Ash will be 16 almost 17. He escaped from Dino a few months ago. I hope you don't mind this change. Trigger warnings: EVERYTHING triggering that occurs in Banana Fish also takes place in this story. I hope you enjoy.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

The summer afternoon’s breeze ruffled Ash’s blonde hair as he quickly made his way down the crowded Manhattan street, slipping between the bodies of tourists and natives alike. Though he walked with a calm step, his ears and eyes were sharp. He shoved his hands into his jean pockets as the heat of the sun warmed his back through his battered black hoodie. Ash knew they were not far behind him. He had shaken them on the subway, but he probably only had a few moments to find a way to hide in plain sight. Calculating that he was about three blocks from the hideout and his tails were only about one block away he was aware that there was no way he’d ever make it without revealing his final destination.

He scanned the passerby’s as he walked, searching for the perfect decoy. His jade green eyes swept across the unaware and careless souls that graced the path in front of him. There was an old man on a bench, feeding stale bread to the pigeons that pecked at his feet. To his right was a middle-aged businesswoman, typing away at her device, completely ignorant to her surroundings. A glitter of gold caused Ash’s head to turn forward. 

In front of him walked a girl, with long, golden hair braided down her back. Her hips swung slightly as she moved, black leggings hugging her curves. Her skin was paler than most, peeking out from her white crop top. She walked quickly, with purpose, which told Ash that she was a native to the city. She adjusted the strap of her purse on her shoulder. A single earphone was placed in her right ear and Ash found himself wondering what she was listening to. He knew he should find someone else, with less striking features, someone a person wouldn’t think twice of, but try as he did, he could not tear his eyes from the girl in front of him. Before his brain could protest, his feet had carried him to fall in step beside her. 

The first thing he noticed was her eyes. The sapphire gems were glued straight forward, unlike many females who kept their eyes down submissively as they walked. She was aware of his presence however, Her right hand calmly held her purse, not perceiving Ash to be a threat to its safe keeping. As she walked, Ash heard the slight humming from her glossed lips, as she followed the melody of the music unknown to the rest of the world. Ash cleared his throat. 

“Hey,” he said with a smirk and a slight wave of his hand to gain her attention. Her eyes snapped to him, holding his eye directly, then taking him up and down as if to analyze his purpose, before returning them to their original state. 

“Hey?” Her response had a slight twinge of confusion and annoyance. She didn’t look at him when she spoke. Her gait increased just slightly, but her body language was still calm. She was waiting for further information before deciding if he was a threat or not. 

“What’s your name?” Ash continued, shuffling the slightest bit closer to the girl. She noticed, yet she didn’t shy away. Instead, she turned her head to him and smirked. 

“Why don’t we start with your name pretty boy?” There was no bite to her voice, merely amusement. Ash was taken aback, but, knowing he only had a few more moments before his trails were on him, he answered. 

“I’m Ash.” The girl quirked an eyebrow at him. 

“Like… Ashley?” A small laugh escaped her lips as she returned to gazing straight ahead. Ash rolled his eyes, displeasure at the comment written all over his face. 

“Ha ha. It’s just Ash, a nickname I guess.” He shot a look behind him, eyeing the crowd for the men he had been waiting for. This action did not go unnoticed by his new ally, but she chose to ignore it.

“Ah we’re doing nicknames then? How mysterious,” her playful smirked greeted Ash as he turned his head back to her. He couldn’t help but return it. “I’m Kat.” 

“Kat… short for Katherine I assume?” Kat shook her head, her braid swishing to the front.  
“Ah ah pretty boy, not only are you wrong, but you’re getting ahead of yourself. Now,” Kat stopped abruptly, causing Ash to glance around. They’d be approaching any moment; it was imperative to keep moving. “who are you running from?”

To say Ash was a bit surprised would be an understatement. He prided himself on his secrecy, his ability to present himself as a calm, careless person, hiding his constant calculating and awareness. Yet, this girl, Kat, had figured him out with just a short exchange? 

“I… I kinda pissed off the wrong guys and need to blend in. They wouldn’t expect me to be hiding in plain sight, nor would they think I’d be conversing with someone.” Just at that moment, Ash saw them. Both were significantly taller than him, one with a bulky, muscular frame, the other scrawnier, though Ash recalled he was skilled with a gun. They blended in well, clad in dark colored hoodies that Ash knew concealed their weapons of choice. In a fluid motion, Ash flicked his own hood up, concealing his bright blonde hair, and grabbed Kat’s hand, not waiting for her answer. He pulled her back into the most densely concentrated part of the crowd. 

“Hey! What are you doing?” Kat protested as Ash continued on. She pulled back slightly, but Ash tightened his grip. 

“Just go with it. Act like a couple until we get to the next block.” Ash said, adding a bit of plea to his voice, for effect. 

Relief flooded through Ash as he felt Kat fall in step next to him moments later, snaking her other hand to wrap around his arm. She was close enough now that he could smell her coconut shampoo and feel the heat of her own body. Her head laid against his bicep, bumping slightly as they walked. He kept his eyes forward, imagining her golden hair resting on him. Ash tensed slightly at the intimate contact, then soon relaxed. She was just playing the part he had asked her to do.

“So, sweetie, should I be worried about these guys?” Kat’s voice was soft and calm. Ash realized that she was merely trying to assess the situation she had been thrust into. 

“Just stick with me and you’ll be good.” He felt her head turn slightly to face behind them and he squeezed her hand in warning. 

“Eyes forward.” He didn’t intend for his voice to have so much bite to it, yet Kat seemed unfazed as she returned her head to his arm. 

“Do you plan on using that?” She asked, causing Ash to glance at her in confusion. She didn’t return his look, merely continued looking forward. 

“The gun that is concealed behind your back, tucked away in your pants,” she responded calmly. 

“It’s for our own protection.” He wasn’t sure why he was so quick to turn defensive, when she hadn’t been accusing him of anything. But yet, he couldn’t help it. Here he was, dragging this young girl into his own problems, his own danger, and apparently she was completely aware of it. 

“Get ready to use it then,” she responded, removing her head from his shoulder. Her hand, however, remained in his, even going as far to squeeze it tighter. “There have been two guys that have been gaining on us for the past minute. They’ve been signaling back and forth. One just pulled their phone out, making a call not answering one.” She glanced up at him and Ash didn’t try to hide the shock on his face. “They’ve made you.”

As if given a cue by an imaginary director, Ash heard the shout of one man to the other and the faintest click of a gun cocking. Without a moment of hesitation, Ash took off at a sprint, pushing between the angry pedestrians who yelled profanities as they passed. Kat followed after, surprisingly keeping pace well. Neither made to release the other’s hand. Ash knew if they were separated now, his men would grab her, intending to use her as a bartering chip. And even if Ash refused to negotiate, they would sell her like they sold him. Little boys might be their main game, but they wouldn’t pass up any deal that could make them money. 

A single gunshot tore through the typical chatter of the city, greeted by screams of terror from the unknowing passersby. He felt Kat stutter in her step behind him and he pulled her along, not giving her a chance to regain her footing. They were getting bold now, they’re control running so deep throughout the city that they would shoot in broad daylight, through a crowd of innocent bystanders.  
Ash made it to the end of the street, going to turn the corner down an abandoned side street. Suddenly, he was jerked back.  
“What the hell are you doing!?” Ash bellowed at her, to which he was given no response. Instead he was tugged into oncoming traffic, Kat weaving her way artfully through the taxis and luxury cars. Horns and angry yells filled the air as they made it to the other side. Sirens could be heard in the distance, no doubt in response to the gunshot.  
“That street leads to a dead end, plus it’s harder for them to follow through ever moving cars. They’re as unpredictable as the people that drive them.” Ash noted her labored breathing and the inconsistency in her steps. Sweat glistened on her face, causing stray hairs to stick to her face. She was trying her hardest to match his pace, but her body was not accustomed to this. Ash retook his lead in front of her, glancing around to make sense of their new location.  
“We are almost there. You’ve given us a bit of a lead.” Ash called back to her, hoping the small remark would both inspire a final burst of energy and acknowledgement that she made the right choice.  
He turned down another side street, pulling Kat a bit closer as men whistled and reached out.  
“A lovely first date I see,” Kat panted out. Ash wasn’t sure if her humor was genuine or masking her fear of the situations she was being faced with, but he didn’t have time to consider the options. At the end of the street was a short fence, to which Kat groaned upon seeing. “I worked hard to not corner us and now you’ve gone and cornered us!?” 

Ash shook his head and hopped up on the old crates the ramen shop always left out their back door. Reaching up, he grabbed the fence and pulled himself up. He brought his legs up to the pole and perched himself on top. He turned to gesture for Kat’s hand and almost fell over in surprise. Kat was already following his lead, bracing her legs against the fence to aid in her climb, though she still struggled. Ash reached down and brought his arms under her arm pits and brought her up to him. She hissed slightly, Ash assuming at the closeness of contact. Nonetheless, she muttered her thanks before he jumped down. She followed, grunting slightly as she landed. Ash turned and saw the two men through the chain links of the fence. 

“Aslan… Papa wishes to see you.” The bulky one called out. Ash began taking slow steps back, carefully placing himself between Kat and the men. They were under orders not to kill him, but Kat was fair game. 

"I'd love to accept, but I've got better places to be," Ash called back in a careless manner.

Both men raised their guns and Ash took off again in a moment, turning down street after street. Ash was practically dragging Kat now. She stumbled every few feet and her steps were heavier than when they started. He knew they had lost the two pursuers, but he also wasn’t naïve enough to believe they had not called for reinforcements. 

Finally, Ash came to a halt outside his place just as the sun began to set, illuminating the buildings, blinding those who dared to look. The black metal door creaked slightly as Ash pushed it open, leading Kat inside. 

“Oi Ash, you finally back? I’ve been waiting for an hour. I…” A voice from the kitchen called. His purple hair friend stepped into the room and immediately halted his speech upon seeing Kat. He stepped closer to her, investigating her, and Kat held his gaze, though her eyes looked tired, her face drained of the little color it had. She had one hand resting on her shoulder, as if pulling herself into a solitary half hug. “Who’s the hot blondie you brought for me,” he remarked, and Ash swatted at him as he released Kat’s hand.

“Kat, this is Shorter, ignore him like the pesky fly he is. Listen,” Ash glanced out the window, still on edge from their close call. “Dino’s guys had me trailed after I talked to their turncoat for information. They just chased me throughout Manhattan, and she got caught in the crossfire. She’ll just need to hideout here for an hour or so.” Ash turned his head back towards Kat, who stood like a statue, hand still placed on her shoulder, eyes a bit unfocused. Shorter walked back to the door and clicked the lock shut, then to the windows to draw the blinds. Ash made a move towards Kat, to pull her out of what he assumed to be a mix of shock and a post adrenaline dump, but Shorter’s voice stopped him in his tracks. 

“Yo dumbass, why didn’t you tell me one of you got hurt! That’s kinda a priority.” Ash and Kat both looked at Shorter, confusion riddling Ash’s face. Shorter pointed towards the ground and Ash’s gaze followed. Trickles of blood droplets littered the floor, as if a painter had decided this dingy room would make the perfect canvas. He glanced back up at Shorter as he patted his body down for signs of unknown trauma. But there was nothing. Then, they both slowly turned towards the remaining person in the room. 

Kat’s eyes met Ash’s and she smirked again as if she had been hiding the cleverest secret. She let her hand drop from her left shoulder and Ash’s eyes widened at the red blossoming across her white top. She wiped her bloodied hand on her leggings. Ash and Shorter both closed in on her upon seeing the wound, Shorter checking for an exit wound and Ash gripping Kat’s face in between his hands. Her cheeks burned, but from the chase or the wound Ash would never know. 

“It’s fine,” she mumbled out, both guys choosing to ignore her.

“It’s a gunshot wound, but it’s through and through, that’s a good thing.” Shorter moved towards the bathroom to get the supplies to treat her.

“Such intense activity immediately following a wound would increase her blood loss. Not to mention all of the dirty things it came into contact with while we were running,” Ash retorted, turning his attention back to Kat. He brought his hands to the wound itself, causing Kat to wince slightly. “Why didn’t you fucking mention this?” Ash spat out and Kat laughed tiredly. She tapped Ash’s forehead. Ash took note of the lack of distance between them, the scent of coconut entering his nostrils again. She was swaying slightly, and Ash put out a hand to her in an effort to steady her.

“I didn’t want to slow us… down…it's fine... Ash…”

In a moment, her eyes rolled back and closed, legs giving way beneath her. She collapsed into Ash’s arms, who brought her to the floor, calling for Shorter to hurry. Shorter was by their side quickly. Carefully, Shorter helped place Kat into Ash's arm. He carried her, supporting her body with his own into the bedroom. Her head lolled lazily onto his chest, the weight feeling so foreign when compared to an hour ago when she had rested her head on his arm. He laid her on the bed and gestured for Shorter to get the treatment kit.

And though it should be the last thing on his mind, Ash couldn’t help but replay the last words she had uttered to him as he stared at the sleeping figure in his bed.

“Ash.”

His name. It had been the first time she had spoken it since they met. Her dulcet tones were sweet and painless when she had said it. He had never heard someone say it so gently, so free of fear or expectations. The way it had rolled off her tongue, effortlessly, like she had been saying it her whole life. Ash scolded himself for thinking of such things when he had just gotten the girl shot and yet he couldn’t beat down the reoccurring thought that…

He wanted to hear his name on her lips again.


	2. Chapter 2

Ash busied himself sorting through the outdated supplies Shorter had brought him. Shorter was leaning over Kat’s unconscious body, studying her. The only light source in the small bedroom was the dingy orange glow from the side lamp. It made their shadows dance around the grey walls in a haunting fashion. 

“Shorter, take off her shirt so I can get to the wound. But be careful not to jostle her shoulder too much, we don’t want to tear any fragile ligaments or muscles.” Ash grabbed the bandages, cleansers, and wraps and turned back to Kat and Shorter. 

Shorter was staring, mouth agape at Ash. Kat was just as he had left her, lying peacefully on the bed, eyes closed. 

“Catching flies, you dumbass?” Ash quipped as he pushed passed his friend, slightly annoyed given the gravity of the situation. Ash reached for Kat, but Shorter stepped in front of him, swatting his hand away. Ash glared at him. 

“What the fuck Shorter?” Ash growled out, moving to go past him. Shorter stood his ground, shoving Ash back slightly. He pointed towards Kat’s unmoving figure. 

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed buddy, but THAT is a LADY!” He whispered his last words, like a major secret that only Ash could know. “I might be a jerk, but I’d never do that to a lady.” Ash rolled his eyes.

“How would you suggest we treat her if we can’t see the wound? This is nothing sexual, get your mind out of the gutter.” Ash bit back at him, successfully placing himself between Shorter and Kat. He spilled out the supplies onto the bed and knelt next to Kat. 

“You do what you have to do, but I will take no part in it.” Shorter turned on his heels and left the room, shutting the door behind him. 

“Make yourself useful and get us some of your sister’s food!” Ash called back. Shorter responded with some muttering and moments later Ash heard the door close, the lock clicking shut.

Cautiously, Ash lifted Kat upright, ensuring that her head was supported by his hand. He slipped her crop top off, relieved to see a black bandeau covering her chest, though it was now discolored with blood. Ash tossed the bloodied shirt to the ground and began cleaning the ugly wound. It was small, it probably wouldn’t have bled as much had it not been for Kat’s athletic activity. The edges were ragged where the bullet had bit into her skin. Ash wiped away at the leaking blood, which had slowed with Kat’s heartrate. Ash placed a bit of antiseptic on the cloth and wiped it across both the entry and exit wound in a swiping motion. 

Almost immediately, Kat’s eyes shot open, inhaling sharply, as if she had just been submerged for years. Confusion riddled her clear, blue eyes, mixing with the stinging pain Ash was sure was coursing through her arm. 

“Hey, Kat…” Ash began, placing a hand on her good shoulder. Kat’s eyes snapped to him and Ash was taken back by the pure fear that glistened in their pools. 

“Get away from me!” Her scream tore through the silent darkness. Ash even jumped slightly at the strong reaction, from someone he had only seen as calm and collected. Kat grabbed his resting hand, bending it back, sending shooting pain up his arm. He pulled his hand back to escape the grip. She scrambled off the bed, stumbling at the sudden movement, crumpling to the floor. She backed her way to the door, grasping at the door handle. Her hands were weakening, the sudden adrenaline losing its push. She dropped the arm limply, wincing at the strain on her shoulder. Both of her arms wrapped around her legs, as her breathing became labored and shallow. She brought her eyes back to Ash, truly appearing as a wounded wild animal that had been backed into a corner. Ash put up his hands in surrender. 

“Kat… Kat it’s me, Ash. You’re safe, I was trying to clean your shoulder. The sting is from the antiseptic. I just need to bandage it and then you can sleep some.” Her eyes continued to stare, wide with fear, as he spoke. “Do you remember what happened?” He spoke gently, with a softness in his voice that even sounded foreign to him. He was grateful for it though, as Kat brought her gaze back to him in cautious movement. She seemed to think for a minute before she nodded her head slowly, taking in a deep breath before she spoke.

“I’m sorry Ash,” her voice was steady, drained, “I thought you were…” she trailed off, breaking her gaze with him. Ash didn’t need her to explain further. He understood more than anyone would ever. He too had reacted that way when someone from the gang had tried to awaken him in the middle of the night. He had brought a gun to their head in one fail swoop. They had been lucky he did not pull the trigger. It was clear where her mind had gone and with good reason. Shorter had been right. She had thought he was going to force himself upon her, in her most vulnerable state. Ash lowered himself to the ground, scooting cautiously closer. He made sure the distance between them was still comfortable. 

“You don’t need to explain. It was my fault. You don’t know me, you’re vulnerable, and confused. I do swear, I meant no harm.” He watched her intently, reading every signal her body divulged to him. Her shoulders were relaxing, the grip of her fingers slacking as he spoke. Her guard was lowering slightly. Ash put out his hands to her, still giving her the distance to refuse. But without a word, Kat grasped his outstretched hands, allowing him to lead her back to the bed. 

Ash worked in silence, wrapping the bandages around her shoulder gingerly. Kat looked off to the side, all fight having left her body. She didn't even flinch as he messily sewed the wound closed, himself even wincing at his craftsmanship. The only sounds that could be heard in the night were distant horns from traffic and the yells of the rowdy crowds of drunk people. As Ash tied the bandages tight, he broke the silence.

“There, that should be good.” He raised his hand to her forehead. “You’re slightly warm, but low-grade fevers are normal for gunshot wounds.” Kat was avoiding his eyes, so Ash tapped the bedpost, gaining her attention. “Hey, maybe you should sleep.” 

Wordlessly, Kat nodded and lowered herself to the bed. Ash stood up, cleaning up the space and bloodied cloths. Kat shivered slightly and Ash tossed the blanket over her. He turned off the light, the only source now coming from the moonlight that leaked in from the window. He made a step to leave and then she finally spoke. 

“I don’t want to sleep.” 

Ash turned back. Even in the darkness of the room, Kat’s eyes glittered in the moonlight. She gestured to the chair by the desk, inviting him to sit, to stay. He obliged, pulling the chair by her bedside and kicking his feet up. She laughed slightly. 

“Are we supposed to stare at each other the whole time?” Ash quipped and a smile graced Kat’s face again. Ash enjoyed being the person that put it there, for some unknown reason. 

“Sorry, I was just so entranced by your eyes,” sarcasm was dripping in her voice, but he took it gladly. This was the Kat he had met on the street, that had raced through the city by his side. This Kat stared at fear with a smile on her face. 

“That’s not the first time I’ve heard that. I’ll give you a moment,” Ash remarked, placing both hands behind his head, leaning back in the chair slightly. She stuck her tongue out at him. 

“Such a child.” She rolled to face the ceiling; hands braced behind her head. Ash watched her carefully, waiting for her to speak. “Who are you, Ash,” she asked, tilting her head just enough so her eyes could meet his. 

He knew it was coming, if she hadn’t been shot, it probably would have been the first thing out of her mouth when they stepped inside. Her tone didn’t demand information and it wasn’t an order. She was giving him the option to decline. 

“Someone you’re better off not knowing, clearly.” Ash kept his own eyes trained at the ceiling. As much as Kat confused him, as much as his body was begging him to trust her, to let her in, the walls he had built for his own protection ordered him to shut her out. She shifted slightly upon hearing his answer. She hummed quietly before responding. 

“Someone who’s scared to let another human know them.” 

The simple statement got Ash’s attention, his gaze snapping back to the bed. Kat’s eyes looked elsewhere. Did she not fully comprehend what she had just told him? No, she was smarter than that. She knew exactly what she had said. 

And he knew she believed it. Wholeheartedly. 

“What about you? Who is Kat?” Ash felt weight release from his chest as he maneuvered the spotlight back onto Kat. She smirked into the air. 

“Someone no one bothered to know.”

Her words, as soft as they were, brought chills across his body. He wanted to argue, but in truth he didn’t know how to, he didn’t know her. He sat in the silence for a moment, pondering the response he would give, if any. 

“Ambiguous much? I’m asking, aren’t I?” 

She turned to him, smirking once again, eyes glinting in the moonlight. He smirked back, enjoying the give and take between them, even if he wasn’t learning about her.

“Let’s start with something easier… like how old you are and what’s your favorite restaurant in Manhattan?” 

They talked for the next few hours, pointless question after pointless question, snide remarks and biting tones aplenty. Shorter walked in late, dinner in hand, to find them both fast asleep. Ash was slumped over in his chair, feet kicked up onto the bed, a slight smile present on his face. Kat had switched sides, head now placed where her feet had been. Her hand was draped over Ash’s ankles, face peaceful. Shorter smirked. 

He couldn’t remember the last time he had seen Ash so unguarded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! What did you think? What theories do you have? What do you want to see during this story?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kat meets another, Ash has trouble trusting, words are exchanged... no one is looking?!

Ash checked on her throughout the night. Each time, he searched her for signs of distress, of a turn in her condition that would force them to seek professional help. Her fever hadn’t broken throughout the night, so he continued to replace the damp cloth on her forehead with a fresh one, waking her ever few hours to give her more medicine for the pain and temperature. Never once did she complain to him. Not even once, during all of this, did she blame him either. The guilt inside him was consuming his every waking thought while looking at the girl, but she showed no signs of hostility. The more Ash thought about Kat, the more confused he became. 

Who the hell are you?

The light streaming through the window woke Ash the next morning. He squinted at the sun, blinking the sleep from his eyes. It took only a moment for him to remember the events of the previous day. His gaze fell on the bed, expecting to find a sleeping Kat. However, the bed was empty, blanket and sheets made nicely as if by a professional. Ash was confused and immediately went to search the apartment. 

He threw open the bedroom door, expecting to see Shorter and Kat on the couch, going toe to toe with insults, but the room was empty. A scribbled note from Shorter was laying on the counter, something about meeting up later, but there was nothing about Kat. Had she left? He shook the thought from his mind, she couldn’t have. She wasn’t that stupid to leave without telling him. Maybe she came to her senses, realized she should be scared of you and ran off?

In that moment, Ash heard a creaking of floorboards down the hall, clearing his mind of thoughts to be replaced with only one. 

She found him.

He hurriedly made his way to the second bedroom, pausing for just a moment before opening the door. He heard her muffled tones but could not make out what was going on. He pushed open the door with force, his face not even hinting at the anger that was bubbling up in his stomach. 

She was kneeling next to him, hand outstretched, brushing the hair from out of his face. His eyes were trained on her, mouth hanging lazily half open, head tilted to the side. In that moment, her soothing tones reached his ears, dispelling the anger.   
“I'm waiting to live, and waiting to love/ oh it'll be over, and I'll still be asking when/ Am I the only one wishing life away? / never caught up in the moment, busy begging the past to stay/ memories painted with much brighter ink/ they tell me I loved, teach me how to think”

He stared at her as she sang the unrecognizable song. She busied herself, brushing her fingers through his hair with such care. He rocked his head slightly, side to side with the invisible beat. She smiled softly at him as she pushed herself up to a standing position, it was then that she recognized Ash. 

“Good morning, pretty boy.” Ash bristled at the nickname she was getting all too comfortable using. Kat turned back to the wheelchair clad man, extending her good arm to his. He was mumbling, as he always did, and she hummed at him. 

“I know you like my singing, but I’ll be back later. You’re okay though, you’re safe.”

Kat turned back towards Ash, long golden locks flipping over her shoulder at the sudden movement. Her face was still flushed pink, concerning Ash slightly, but he couldn’t get past what he was witnessing. 

“The hell are you doing in here?” He spat out the sentence and watched her smile die in front of him. For some reason, he didn’t care in that moment. This wasn’t a public place, she was a guest, and yet she waltzed in, ran her fingers through his hair, and chatted as if an old friend. Her blue eyes had turned stony at his tone, face hard and cold. He almost didn’t recognize her. 

“I woke up and went to use the restroom. I heard someone calling out, they were clearly upset. I followed the sound to him,” she locked eyes with him, a flash of hurt betraying her for just a moment, “he was crying so I sang to quiet him. I fed him some leftovers and cleaned his face. So sorry for helping your brother.”

She made to leave, the sarcasm in her last words still hanging in the air, but Ash blocked her path. She challenged him; her face clear that she was ready for a fight. His mind was stuck on one thing, unaware if he was still fighting or just riddled with confusion.

“How did you know Griffin was my brother?” A million thoughts had run through his mind when he heard her refer to him that way, none of them good. He felt his guard raising, the walls climbing higher, just when he thought he may let her in. 

Her face faltered for a minute, eyebrows knitting together. Ash couldn’t fully read her expression, possibly disbelief, maybe even betrayal? She brought a hand to her injured shoulder and massaged around it for a moment. 

“You’re such a dumbass, you know that.” It was quiet, though it felt deafening in Ash’s ears. “Your damn smile is the same as his. I don’t know anything about you, so if you wouldn’t mind STOP the interrogation.” She lifted her head, bringing her gaze to clash with his. The passing emotions had vanished again. “I know you have to be watching your back every five seconds, that much I’ve figured out. But remember YOU,” she pointed her finger into his chest for emphasis, “found ME.” 

She made her way past him and before he could stop himself, he brough his hand up to grab her wrist. She was warm under his touch, presence of a fever still apparent to him. She didn’t pull, she didn’t speak a word. She waited, calmly and patiently for Ash to speak. Only he wasn’t sure what he had wanted to say. 

“You’re… good with him.” He said it quietly, after some time had passed. It was the truth, though it might not have been the thing he had wanted to say to her. They were still frozen, Ash’s hand on her wrist, facing her back. She broke the frost as she turned to face him, face a little kinder than it had been moments ago. 

“He’s a kind person, easy to be around, and a great listener.” She smiled back at Griffin, who, as if alerted by her gaze, turned slightly towards her. She pulled her hand from Ash’s waving to Griffin, full of warmth and life. 

“You seem to know a lot about someone who can’t speak.” Ash really hadn’t met to have such an accusatory tone. In fact, he was momentarily surprised when her smile feel as she cocked her head back to him. 

“70-93% of communication is nonverbal. Not having a physical voice has almost nothing to do with communication.” Her voice had begun to raise, her chest rising and falling with deeper breaths as her anger started to release. “Maybe you should learn more about your brother. How he calms to the sound of music, how he enjoys his hair being stroked because the feeling means safety, how he uses his eyes to show he’s listening. Maybe you should pay attention to that instead of attacking me!” She glared at him, but when Ash focused in on her eyes, he saw something familiar. 

She had built her own walls, long before he had ever known her to exist. 

Just like him.

He opened to his mouth to say something when Kat stuttered back, hand pressed to her head. He took a step forward, forgetting the argument and harsh words that had been spoken moments ago. She put her other hand up to him. “I’m fine.” She went to take another step, but her body refused, causing her to sink down to the ground. Ash brought himself next to her, placing her good arm around his shoulder. 

“Like hell you are, stubborn girl.” He stood up, noticing that, though it probably killed her pride, she leaned into him, head even coming to rest on his shoulder. “Look I was being an ass, it’s… it’s just the life I have. As they walked, he couldn’t help, but scold her, like an old friend. “Getting all worked up right after being shot, walking all around like you aren’t ill, if you’re not careful you’re going to…”  
He placed her on the bed and she immediately covered her shoulder. His words died in his mouth. Ash’s green eyes bore into her and for the first time, she looked away.   
“Show it to me.”

“No.”

Growling slightly, he pulled her hand away, strength easily overpowering hers. Sure enough, little drops of blood were beginning to seep through the bandage. She had reopened the wound, stitches tugged out of place. Admitting defeat, both in her own exhaustion and in trying to hide it, she lay back onto the pillow. She closed her eyes, following Ash’s instructions

“At this rate, you’re going to have to go to the hospital.” Her eyes shot open and she sat up all too fast. Her head swayed and Ash tried to push her back down, but she grabbed his wrist. 

“No. No hospitals, Ash,” she squeezed his wrist tighter, “Ash promise me that. No matter how bad it gets, you won’t take me there.” He gawked at her, mouth slightly agape. Where had all this come from? Where did the fear stem from? 

“The girl who got shot and didn’t tell a soul until she was bleeding out is afraid of a doctor?” He tried his best to joke, but the tightness around his wrist and the pleading in her eyes was making it difficult. She was serious.

“You can’t take me. I’ll do whatever you want, I won’t leave this bed. I take full responsibility for any complications but. No. Hospitals.” He put up his hands. 

“Fine weirdo, no hospitals. But then your ass stays in that bed. Call for me or Shorter if you need something.” She released his wrist, silently agreeing to his demands with a nod. He worked at restitching her wound. “You’re really going to have a nasty scar now.” 

She shook her head, tiredness settling throughout her entire frame. “It won’t be the first one, or the last. It’s alright, no one’s looking anyways.” He detected more to a story with the way she spoke. However, when he tied off the stitch, she collapsed against the pillows. “Maybe you’re right pretty boy, I might have over done it.” Ash hummed in acknowledgement and, without thinking, brushed a golden piece of hair from Kat’s face. His touch was soft, barely making contact with her skin. She smirked at it nonetheless, eyes fluttering at him before remaining close. 

He watched her for a moment longer, enjoying the peacefulness sinking into her face with every rise and fall of her chest. Certain that she would stay asleep, he left the room, closing the door quietly behind him. He came face to face with Shorter, who was wildly wiggling his eyebrows at him. He shoved him. 

“Fuck off,” he growled out, making his way to fridge to find the leftovers Kat had mentioned. Shorter tossed him a pair of chopsticks as he pulled out the various boxes from Shorter’s family restaurant. He plopped himself onto the couch, Shorter taking a spot next to him, stealing a noodle from Ash’s box.

“Did you learn anything about Kat?” Shorter asked after Ash had a few moments to enjoy his meal. Ash shook his head. 

“She’s pretty guarded, freaked out when I mentioned the hospital.” Ash continued to shovel food into his mouth, unaware of Shorter being lost in thought. 

“It’s odd… I checked the local news stations, even some scanners, there was no mention of a missing 16-year-old.” Ash stopped. The thought had never occurred to him that a 16-year-old girl was supposed to have people waiting for her to come home. That they were supposed to have a home at all. Shorter noticed the change in his demeanor. “Maybe she’s not that different from us after all?” 

Ash nodded slowly, mind swimming with questions for the golden-haired girl that currently slept in his bed. He found it so hard to believe that someone who felt so special had no one searching for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, Kudos, all of it are appreciated... I'm pouring my heart into this


	4. Chapter 4

Kat slept through the day mostly. Ash left her in Shorter’s care for a bit while he met up with contacts from a few neighboring gangs. Ash’s numbers were growing daily, as were his allies. If he could wait a bit longer, he might be able to take on the devil himself. 

They had reported how quiet the streets had been since the shooting yesterday. Dino had made no moves and it didn’t appear their hideout had been revealed either, much to Ash’s relief. The silence, though, was not something to take comfort in. It was the calm before the storm, Ash knew it. For once, he had no idea what Dino was planning and neither did his contacts. He would have to be smart, careful, calculating in his next moves. As he turned to leave, Ash couldn’t help but ask a final question. 

“Cain,” the muscular man turned to him, sunglasses hiding the expression of his face from Ash, “do you know anything about a 16-year-old girl named Kat?” Even with the sunglasses, Ash didn’t miss how Cain’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. 

“Why would you be asking about a girl?” Ash sighed at the response. It meant that Cain knew nothing about her. He should be grateful, that she was nobody that could threaten his safety or the success of his plan, but he wanted to know who she was. Ash shook his head, waving a hand lazily at Cain and the men that lurked in the shadows around him. 

“Just tying up loose ends. See you around,”

Ash exited the hideout, lifting his hood up against the cool breeze of the summer evening. The sun was setting, painting the city skyline with a thousand blends of colors. Ash couldn’t be bothered to take in the beauty that made the trash place look beautiful, he was too lost in thought. He walked on autopilot, not distracted enough to put himself in danger, yet enough to question why she plagued his mind again.

He didn’t understand why no one had come looking for her. Why she had been able to take a bullet to the shoulder without so much as a cry out of pain. He couldn’t comprehend why she could accept pain so readily, why she had lost her calm demeanor when she woke up to his hands near her chest, why she was convinced no one would ever miss her, search for her, find her. 

Why?

He wanted to know why she had been walking on that street, what song she had been listening to, what had possessed her to help him when she clearly knew he would bring nothing but trouble. 

He desired more. More information, more conclusive answers instead of a never-ending list of questions, some important, most pointless. His mind reeled around and around as he walked, each footstep echoing against his thoughts, weighing heavier and heavier on his mind. Unprompted anger began to grow inside him, a fire that Ash couldn’t find the fuel source to. It consumed him, burning through him like the very blood that coursed through his veins. He saw red as he slammed the door open to the hideout, thoroughly scaring Shorter who had his gun drawn reflexively. When he recognized Ash, he grabbed him by the collar and yanked him into the apartment, slamming the door behind him and locking it.

“The fuck Ash!” Shorter’s voice came out as a whisper, but was full of malice. Don’t make me pull a gun on you again! You’re lucky I didn’t shoot you through the chest!” Shorter placed his gun back in his jeans. Ash ignored the obvious distress and how right his friend was. 

“Like I’d ever give you the chance. You’d be dead before you could even think to pull the trigger.” His voice was riddled with the anger that had yet to dissipate. Shorter was still obviously confused. They exchanged their dark jokes, but that felt a step too far, even for Shorter. He talked as if it didn’t bother him though, mentioning that Griffin was sleeping now, that Kat had just taken her meds. Ash ran his hand through his hair, unaware of his friend’s inner thoughts. “What are you so on edge about anyways?” Shorter shook his head, his purple spikes shaking slightly. He should have said it immediately.

“There were a couple guys outside the place earlier. Real shady types. They were hanging out a long time, so I started to get suspicious. And then Kat said they were the guys that were following you and…” 

“What the fuck was Kat doing looking at them? She was near the damn window? Where they could see her?” Ash aggressively pulled the blinds down, cutting out the orange glow of the setting sun, kicking at the coffee table as he passed it, pacing. “Cain said everything had been quiet since yesterday, no chatter, no buzz, do you get what that means?” He didn’t even notice the door to the bedroom open, Kat rubbing the sleep from her eyes. He was too enraged, angry at more than just Shorter, but too angry to figure out what it was. “He doesn’t need to create a buzz because he already has a plan! Did they freaking SEE her!?” Ash glared at Shorter, who seemed to be at a loss for words, his friend unrecognizable in the moment. 

“I was never near the window.” Her voice hit him like a shock of lightning, yet she was unaware of her effect, continuing on while crossing the room to stand between the two boys. “Shorter snapped a picture, fairly inconspicuously, and showed me.” Ash felt his shoulders relax as regret seeped through him. Shorter, who should have turned on him right there, put a hand to his shoulder. 

“Only an idiot would let a pretty girl like that take a bullet.” He smirked, the backhanded insult clearing the room of the lingering tension. Ash glanced at Kat, who leaned against the counter, simply smiling at them. Her cheeks were pink, her blonde hair swept into a bun with stray pieces framing her face. She wore one of his shirts. It was tied up so that her belly was exposed. Ash took note of the shadows of scars against her pale skin. Still, a warmth spread through Ash before he could stop it, melting his walls of ice with a heat so intense, he thought it would steal the oxygen from his lungs. Her eyes stayed on him, softly watching. He couldn’t look away. 

Shorter looked between the two and knowingly smiled. Clearing his throat, he announced his departure, promising Kat he’d be safe and that he would send a message when he returned. With a push of Ash’s shoulder, he made his way out the door, hood covering the purple spikes. 

They were both painfully aware that they were alone. The silence screamed it at them, begged them to break it, yet they just stood, eyes locked again, in an unknown war. 

Ash was the first to break. 

“How did you know it was them? You barely saw them, and you were in a lot of pain.” Kat crossed the room, sitting onto the couch, wrapping herself in the red blanket that lay on the end. Ash followed suit, placing himself next to her. He kept a large space between them. Kat tapped her head twice with her pointer finger. 

“I have a photographic memory. Faces, dates, books, everything is screenshotted and stored up here.” She lay back against the couch frame, placing her head on her knees. “It’s my one useful quality.” 

There it was again. Ash was suddenly reminded on why he had been angry in the first place. The self-deprecating comments, the alluding to a past she had no intention of sharing with him. He hated it and he hated that it bothered him so much. The anger was bubbling, to a point he could no longer stay quiet.

“Who are you, really, Kat?” 

Kat’s smile didn’t die. Instead, it changed. Rather, her eyes changed. The darkness that fell across them swallowed her whole. Everything about her became sad, yet the smile remained on her face. He waited for her to reject his question, the silence growing once again. 

“You won’t let this go, will you?” Her voice lacked anger as well, heavy with a burden Ash was ignorant to. He shook his head. He couldn’t just let it go. She was the hardest puzzle, every piece too obscure to fit in a place. “Maybe it’s the fever, but I don’t have it in it to fight you on this one anymore.” She breathed in deeply, then exhaling the tension from her shoulders. Ash watched, waiting for an answer. 

“When I tell you I’m no one, I truly mean that Ash.” She began to fiddle with the stray pieces of her hair, her bottom lip finding its way between her teeth. Ash hated to hear her refer to herself as something less than nothing. “I don’t have a family, or a home,” she glanced at him, taking in his expression for a sign of judgement or pity, then quickly snapping back to studying her blonde locks. “I’m a runaway.”

The word resonated with Ash, picking at memories locked away in a box he didn’t want opened. 

“What did you run from?” The question came out suddenly and he knew, if it were him, he would want her to drop it. But she had opened up slightly and he needed this opportunity to learn just who this girl next to him was. She still never met his eyes while she spoke. 

“A foster home. I was there about a month before I got the hell out.” She turned to him, her legs falling to rest in his lap. Her eyes asked for permission and he didn’t protest. Slowly, she leaned into him, her head falling onto his shoulder. “You don’t have to worry about anyone coming to look for me. For those guys gaining leverage by finding me or people close to me.” The warmth from her body had Ash sinking into the couch, relaxing at her touch. “As soon as I was out of there, I became a memory.” Her hands fell to her lap, fingers busying themselves with an imaginary string. Ash’s hand ghosted over them, sweeping his thumb across her knuckles with the softest touch. Her hands stilled at his touch instantly. “That’s all you need to know.”

Ash couldn’t find it in himself to argue. They sat there, Kat laying against him, breathing softly, eventually dropping her head into his lap. Ash sat there, still. He watched her chest slow in speed, rise and fall for what felt like hours. He initiated no return of contact, treated himself as a prop to her closeness. He didn’t know how to accept such treatment, how to return it. He was intelligent for someone so young; he was keenly aware of that. Yet this, this interaction, this human, left his brain in a kerfuffle, a tangled mess of thoughts and emotions, none of which felt safe. His walls were continuing to melt for her, and he couldn’t find the strength to build them up again. What was she doing to him? Why her? Why him? He didn’t deserve this; she didn’t deserve to be sucked into the fucked-up world that was his life. 

Cautiously, Ash’s hand found itself stroking the top of her head. Her hair was silky against his calloused skin. It fell like water through his fingertips as he caressed her. She didn’t stir, merely nuzzled deeper into his lap. Ash involuntarily smiled down at her. She was peaceful this way, no sign of darkness or trauma. He wondered if his mind was ever at peace while he slept. Nightmares plagued his waking thoughts, but his sleep was no safer. 

His phone buzzed in his pocket, most likely from Shorter, causing Kat to shift. He smoothly lifted her up, not even annoyed at the fact that carrying her had already become routine. She was so small in his arms, lifting the same as a child. 

She was a child by most standards. 

As he walked to the bedroom, he considered that thought. By most standards, he was a child as well. But the way Kat carried herself, so similar to him, he knew that no human that had lived her life could be considered as innocent and naïve as a child. He placed her gently into the bed, grateful that when he touched her forehead it finally felt cooler. He brought the blankets over her frame, watched as she took them and wrapped herself in them. He made his way down the hall to his brother’s room, confident that she could sleep peacefully without his watchful eye tonight. 

Glancing at his phone, he checked the message that had disturbed them earlier. It was a one line message from Shorter. 

There is someone watching. Won’t be stopping by for a bit. Be careful.

Ash’s hair stood on edge. He knew it had been a possibility, that Dino’s men had pinpointed their location. This text didn’t mean they had been found out, only just that this place was suspected. Their next moves had to be cautious, or it would all be over before they could blink. He collapsed onto the futon laid out next to his brother’s bed, burrowing his head into the pillow. 

One step forward, ten steps back. Sleep would not be peaceful tonight.


End file.
